Five Stages of Grieving
by smittenbyfiction
Summary: Mostly, I cried because my life had been going full speed for so long and now it had just stopped, like running right into a big brick wall, knocking the wind and the fight right out of me. I didn't know if I wanted to get up and start going again.
1. Chapter 1

Coupling: McSexie.

Description: Lexie and Mark try to deal with the aftermath of another tragedy.

This is completely AU. I don't own any of the characters. It's all property of Grey's Anatomy.

Background information: Based after Season 6. Minus the gunshot/craziness season finale. That never happened. But Sloan and Teddy are together, Sloan trying to get over Lexie, Teddy trying to get over Owen. But none of the Jackson stupidity has happened.

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><p><strong>Prologue:<strong>

She'd always thought her photographic memory would bring her greatness in life.

And it did.

She'd excelled in anything she set her mind to, because her mind was an infinite pool of facts. She could remember details that even the person who wrote textbooks or articles couldn't recall. She could just pull up the image in her head in a split second, and it would be there - in front of her.

As she sat in the hospital room she'd been in for the last few weeks, images kept running a million miles a minute through her mind.

She never saw it coming. She'd lived by herself before. She'd always thought she was safe. Tears burn the back of her eyes as she tries to keep herself from hyperventilating and starting another round of nausea and vomiting. She'd dealt with victims through her job before. She'd seen this stuff happen.

The pamphlets the victims counselor gave her burned a hole in her back as she looked over the side table. _"1 in 3 women experience some type of sexual trauma in their lifetime." "How to turn yourself from a victim to a survivor."_

God, those were so cliche, and pathetic it wasn't even laughable. It was just - disgusting.

Is that all that she was now? A_ statistic?_

And all she could keep thinking about was his hands, violating her body, violating her mind. Because her mind would never heal. She had a photographic memory. Her mind would make sure she could never move forward from this. How he had snuck up behind her, whispered in her ear, ran his hands through her body, as if he had a right to do so. As if her protests didn't matter. Because to him, they didn't. He was bigger than her. He had a weapon. And he had her right where he wanted her. He even tried to rob her when he was finished with her.

When he didn't find anything of value, other than the necklace Mark had given her, he stabbed her, so close to her heart that she could have sworn she'd felt her heart stop beating. Is that even possible? Do people really feel when they die for a split second, then come back to life? All that was running through her mind at the moment was whether or not she had signed a DNR order. Never mind the fact she was in an alley right now in the middle of the night. She'd be lucky if anyone saw her before she bled out.

Did anyone know what to do with her when she passed away?

She'd always thought she wanted her body donated to science, for the greater good of future medical students who got stuck with a shitty resident who didn't like to teach, like Yang. But she didn't want anyone else looking at her the way she was right now. Broken. Scarred. Violated.

Would Mark come to her funeral? Did he care? Did anyone even know where she was right now? Did anyone care that she hadn't been at work in almost two weeks? Or that it felt like she'd been here for years? Did they think she just ran away? Was anyone even looking for her?

God, she was so exhausted.

She was so -_ tired._

Being in the hospital used to be a sort of high for her, something she could do nonstop running on endless amounts of fuel that she felt she was made of. Now all it did was remind her of how weak, - and helpless, she was. She couldn't even walk without the fucking crutches that were laying just close enough to her so that she could see them, but far enough away that she'd need to press for help in order to reach them, as if she was being taunted. Constantly reminded of how stupid she was.

She was _so, fucking stupid_.

This time, as the waves of intense flashbacks came over her, she didn't hold back the tears and screams. She hit her head repeatedly, as if somehow she could hit them to fall out of her head.

She didn't ear the nurses come in and restrain her.

She didn't hear them whispering for her to calm down.

She didn't hear anything except the quiet, and stillness of the room as she felt drowsy again.

She knew they gave her something to calm her down.

But she blacked out before she could figure out what it was.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you for the few of you who have commented kindly and with support. It makes it easier for me to update knowing I have people looking forward to reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. I know it doesn't make much sense that I made it so Mark would take Lexie home from the Mental Health Hospital due to everything she's been through, but it'll make more sense next chapter, the explanation should clear up any confusion. I promise. **

**Thanks again, and please leave a comment if you read it :)**

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><p>After eight weeks in a mental hospital, Lexie thought she'd never be able to see the light of day outside of being escorted out for her daily fresh air time with her group. So when her guidance counselor told her they'd be having her session outside today, she was a little more than relieved as they walked together towards the bright, sunny outdoors.<p>

At first, when they moved her from the hospital into this mental facility fifty miles away, she wasn't sure what to think of it. But she knew her external injuries were finished, the hospital couldn't do much more for her since her broken leg would have to heal itself with time, but they wouldn't release her to her own care and since she refused to give them another point of contact, insisting she didn't have family or loved ones, they sent her to Harmon Health Oasis.

She didn't know why she felt the need to isolate herself from her past, she knew everyone was probably worried to death, probably didn't even think she was alive anymore. She'd been at this hospital for two months, and before that she was at Mercy West for almost a month. She didn't know how she got lucky as to ending up at Mercy West instead of Seattle Grace but she did.

After everything that happened, she thought given some time she'd be able to call them and work through everything that had happened. But then one day turned to two, _then_ three. Next thing she knew it was a month later and she was being transported fifty miles away. And no one had found her. She wasn't even sure anyone was looking for her with the way things had been between her and everyone else. She'd made it a habit to be as invisible as possible after her and Mark had broken up, and Derek and Meredith had been on his team it seemed, everyone thought she was the bad guy.

A month in the hospital and she came to realize that time doesn't always heal, sometimes, it just breathes and swallows memories. That's what had happened to her anyway.

"Do you think we've made some progress since you've been here, Lexie?" Her counselor Michelle asked her as they walked up to some nearby benches giving them a clear, unobstructed view of the pond in front of them.

_Progress?_ Well, if what she meant is if the anti-depression medication and daily individual and group sessions were helping,_ then yes_. It was. But, it was a controlled environment. She knew that. She'd studied this stuff before. People always do well when they have a structured environment, and a steady hand of people to assist them on a day-to-day basis. The real test is when they're released. Whether or not they stick with their programs. Go back to drugs, or alcohol, or stop taking their medications and fall into a deeper depression or addition than before.

"A little." She responds honestly.

She'd been through her crazy, suicidal phase at the beginning. Where she couldn't keep any food down, so they had to force feed her through a tube in her stomach. She'd cried, and screamed her way through so many night terrors, she was sure she left the night, nursing staff at the hospital scarred for the rest of their careers as they held her down and gave her medication, the only way she'd be able to sleep uninterrupted.

"How would you feel about being released soon?... Is that something you think you'd be able to manage on your own? I'd feel much better sending you somewhere, where you'd have a good support system to lean on."

Lexie sighed inwardly trying to imagine explaining everything that's happened to everyone in her life.

"I know. _I just_ - don't even know who to call."

Michelle nodded in understanding. Lexie had told her about everything in regards to her relationships with Meredith, Derek, Mark, Christina, Bailey, the Chief. It was a lot of intense drama for someone with such a fragile psyche to run straight back into without the right person to lean on.

"If you take your medicine responsibly, and you stay in contact with your group, make sure you stay in touch with your individual counseling sessions - there's no reason for you to stay here when you could be at home."

A part of Lexie knew she was right. The hospital could open up her spot to someone who really needed it. But, she didn't know if she could handle being on her own this time around. She didn't know who to turn to for help either. She needed to get back to her life. To the real world. She probably didn't even have a job anymore - or health insurance. Or a place to stay. Or even any stuff, she doubted the asshole landlord of hers kept anything of hers after she missed her rent deadline for the last three months.

She wasn't even sure if she wanted to go back to medicine. _Is that crazy?_ She'd** always** wanted to be a doctor. A surgeon. That was what she'd worked towards her entire life, only to have it all come back on her the way that it had three months ago. Could there be any more irony in her life than her being attacked with a knife? Being cut open used to be something she considered a healing art, but she missed the part where people could turn it into something horrendously traumatizing. Like had happened to her.

"Okay. I'll try and call someone."

Michelle nodded and squeezed her hand in support.

"That's all I ask."

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><p>"Alright, Karev you're with Plastics. Grey you're in the Pit. Yang you're in Neuro. And make sure your interns get actual medical exposure outside of filling charts and paperwork, are we clear?" Bailey walks away before giving them a chance to start complaining. Sometimes she felt like a babysitter, not their boss.<p>

All of the sudden they notice Patricia, the Chief's secretary wandering around the hospital frantically. The only other more calm person outside of Patricia, was Bailey so if Patricia was frazzled then something had to be going on. "Have you guys seen the Chief?"

"No." _"No."_ They all respond quickly as they look around the room, watching as she sped walked towards the surgery board.

"What's going on with her?" Mark asks as him and Derek walk up to the Nurse's station to grab their charts for the day.

"No clue." Meredith responds quietly, watching as Patricia walks out of a room with the Chief, his face looking scared and bewildered. She hands him a chart and they stand in silence for a while as she watches him read over it, all of the sudden she notices someone's hand in front of her face.

"_Hey!_ Mer. You okay?" Derek asks pulling her face so that she was looking at him.

Swallowing the nervousness that just came over her she nods, holding his hand on her face. On the corner of her eye, she watches the Chief walk up to her with Patricia quietly sneaking back up to their office. And she remembered how she'd always felt it, inside, before something bad actually happened. She'd had a sixth sense for these things ever since she was a kid. Like how sometimes – when you are riding your bike and you start skidding across sand, or when you miss a step and start tumbling down the stairs – you have those _long, long_ seconds where you realize that you are going to be hurt,_ and badly?_ That's the feeling that had come over Meredith the moment she saw Patricia become frazzled and converse quietly with the Chief. It was the same feeling that had come over her when she had fallen into the ice water all those years ago. The one that left her breathless. _Stunned._ And nauseated.

"Meredith."

The Chief says as he holds the chart closer to his chest, looking down as he swallows away his emotions. Looking back up he notices the crowd had gathered, nurses were sneaking looks up from their paperwork, the residents were standing silently in support behind Meredith as Derek and Mark and the rest of them looked at him in confusion.

"They found Lexie."

Mark's head snaps up at this remark as he steps into the conversation. "What? Where? Is she alive? Is she -_ okay_?"

"Oh my god." Meredith whispers as she starts breathing slowly to control her overwhelming sense of dread that was taking over her body.

Looking around at the crowd that had gathered, the Chief nods at Meredith, "We can speak more privately in my office."

"OH MY GOD!" Meredith shrieks in paranoia as she starts breathing faster unable to control the fear that took over her. "You don't wanna tell me right now because it's bad right? Oh my god! I'm a horrible sister, I thought she ran away and just needed some time, I didn't look for her for that long and now you're about to tell me she's been lying dead in a ditch somewhere right and I need to go claim her body, right? OH MY GOD!"

"Meredith," Richard responds grabbing her arm lightly but she flinches it away from him, "Meredith!" he says more forcefully. When she looks up at him 'causing everyone else to stop what they're doing as well at the loud tone he had used in order to grab her attention. "My office. _Please_." He says the last part quietly before walking away, noting for her to follow him.

As she starts to walk away she notices the heartbreak written on Mark's face, the same look that had been following him around whenever Lexie's name was brought up in conversation since their break-up, whenever she was in the same room as him, she knew that look. She'd had it herself many times throughout her and Derek's tumulus relationship. Her and Mark had a dark bond that came from years of shitty parenting. A bond that Derek and Lexie would never understand. He knew he made a mistake pushing Lexie for the commitment and breaking up with her after his ultimatum, she could see it in his face. Every time she walked into the room, she saw that he wished he hadn't done that to her. But his pride kept him away from her, and kept him with Teddy. Just like that, she realized that she didn't need to be in that room alone with Richard, Mark should be in there with her. The dirty mistresses club may be long gone, but that bond was still there. And Lexie just made it all the more obvious.

"Mark." Meredith turns around and watches him look at her with hope and hesitation in his eyes. "Come on."

Not needing to be told twice, he throws his chart down on the counter and rushes up the stairs as they walk into the Chief's office together. As soon as the door is closed and they sit down, it feels as though all the air is sucked out of the room.

Richard looks down and opens up the file in his hand, feeling their gazes burning holes on him, he looks up at the hopeful expressions on their faces. "She's alive."

"Oh thank god.." Meredith responds, and releases a breath she didn't know she was holding. "Where is she?"

"That's the uh, - that's the bad part… she's at a mental health facility about fifty miles north of here. She's been there for the past two months receiving treatment for severe manic depression."

Mark looked up at this, bewildered and stunned. Lexie was the brightest, most shiny, most optimistic person he knew. "Richard, are you sure you have the right person? This is Lexie Grey we're talking about here? Right? Miss bright and shiny?"

"Yes. I'm sure." Richard responds hesitantly. Not sure whether or not he should continue the conversation. The case file had a medical release form Lexie signed giving both Meredith and Mark permission to have information in regards to her health status, so he knew he could discuss it with them, he just wasn't sure how to bring it up. Or if he should bring it up.

Mark looks over at Richard, noticing his uneasy demeanor, and he quickly realizes that something's missing from the conversation. "You said two months Richard. Lexie's been gone three months. Where was she before then? Do you know?"

As soon as the question is out in the open, Richard looks even more uncomfortable if that was possible. And Mark knew right then, he'd hit the jackpot.

"She was at Mercy West. She was attacked, October 2nd, found bleeding in an alley on what they think was her way home from the hospital. " He clears his throat in an effort to maintain control of his emotions, he keeps talking reading her chart as if it wasn't someone he knew. "The file here says that she was raped repeatedly, was found with a broken leg and multiple stab wounds in the chest. She lost a lot a blood but the knife missed most of her major internal organs, so they were able to repair most of the injuries. From what it says here she suffered from extreme bouts of nightmares and had to be sedated on a regular basis in the psych ward. They didn't feel comfortable releasing her, so they sent her to the mental health facility, she's been doing better with daily group and individual therapy sessions and on regular dosage of anti-depressant medications."

Once, when Mark was six years old, he'd fallen from a tree and landed on his stomach, the sensation he felt then was the same as he felt now. As if all the oxygen had left his body and the room simultaneously, and he was stuck in between time not being able to move or feel anything other than excruciating fear and heartbreak.

"I know this is a lot to take in." Richard says looking over his two employees as they sit there in a daze, not making any movements or motions. He couldn't even tell if they were breathing or not.

"She's, um.. being released but her psychiatrist doesn't want her released on her own care she wants her to be near people who can monitor her progress and keep a close eye on her."

With neither Mark or Meredith making any movements, Richard walks away from behind his desk and sits down in front of them, trying to grab their attention.

"Guys?"

As he touches their hands, it's as if they awake from the daze they were stuck in, they both look up at him and at the same time they speak up.

"I'll do it.

_"Mark should do it."_

Richard looks over at the determination in Sloan's face and nods in agreement. "Okay then." He stands up and gives Sloan copies of Lexie's discharge papers and instructions that Michelle had faxed over with her chart information.

"You two take as much time off from work as you need. Just.. uh..- keep me posted."

As Mark and Meredith walk out in a somber silence, Richard adds "Tell little Grey she'll always have a spot in our program. _Whenever she's ready."_

Meredith nods in thanks, then rushes to catch up with Mark down the hall. As soon as they enter the on-call room, Mark slides down on the floor, and the sheer amount of emotions that he'd been holding in takes over, he punches a hole in the wall in anger, making Meredith flinch a little as she watches him pace the small room.

Then as she puts her hand on his shoulder, he looks up at her as if he just now realized what he was up against - breaking her heart as she realizes the road that they all have ahead of them in order to heal, and as he starts sobbing and falls on the floor, so broken - so resigned, she just sits in silence with him, sending as many positive thoughts as she could come up with out in the universe.

Because right now, she knew, they'd need all the help they could get.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Lots of thanks to** **lumifan99, Kimmer86, SamanthaLeigh422 for your comments and continued support. Your comments were very kind, and inspiring, keep them coming and I'll keep updating quickly :)**

[4 months later…]

"Lexie," Michelle says as she watches her keep looking back and forth between her and sneaking peeks at the closed door as if she couldn't wait to open it. "The goal with you and me here, has always been for us to get you to a point where the medicine you are taking is no longer a necessary daily occurrence. For us to create other methods and tools of dealing with life's pressures and uncomfortable situations, even for the reoccurrence of some memories of what you've survived. That if any of those things should happen, you'll have the tools necessary to cope with them, and the support system necessary to not allow yourself to emotionally, or mentally shut yourself off from the world. Does that sound like something you'd be comfortable with attempting to do soon?"

"Yes," Lexie answers, her voice holding a mixture of relief and fear at the task that lay ahead of them. She knew how hard it would be to wean her off the medication, and the side-effects that would come along with it. But it was worth it. She didn't want to be living her life in a controlled daze of not allowing herself to feel her way through her experiences.

"Good." Michelle answers nodding in agreement and writing some things down on the notepad she always had in front of her during her sessions. "Why don't we go ahead and bring Mark in, since he'll be needing to hear the rest of the plan, as far as us weaning you off the medication goes - he'll be needing to continue to be a large support system for you during this difficult process."

Michelle stands up and opens the door, as if Lexie hadn't just seen him thirty minutes ago when he dropped her in for her bi-weekly therapy session, a wave of internal butterflies and excitement started to burst inside of her leaving her tingling in happiness. He always waited outside for her calmly out in the waiting room, and never pushed her to talk about anything. But he always listened whenever she did. As he walked in his blue eyes and calm demeanor immediately made her feel safe. Staring into his eyes always made her feel extraordinary — sort of like her bones were turning spongy. She was also a little lightheaded, but that could have been because she'd forgotten to keep breathing. Again. As if she was waiting for him to disappear into thin air.

He leans over and shakes Michelle's hand, switching pleasantries with her therapist, reminding her that she needed to stop watching him and start paying attention to what they were saying.

"Yes, it's been a while."

She hears Mark respond, assuming they were talking about the last time they had seen each other, when he had picked her up from the mental health facility.

_[Flashback: 4 months ago]_

_As he parked his car in front of the address his GPS told him was his destination, he pauses to look in past the gates and guards that made it somewhat look like a prison compound. Until you walked in past the gate and noticed how beautiful the entire facility was. Acres of green grass, a few ponds of water, trails of flowers and trees made it seem as though he had stepped into an alternate reality inspired by Mary Poppins herself._

_It wasn't hard to spot her. Michelle had told him when he'd called this morning, that Lexie enjoyed spending time near one of the ponds after her sessions, he'd seen her sitting in a daze watching the pond ripple as the wind blew by lightly._

_Her hair was longer. Longer than he'd ever seen it. And she'd lost a lot more weight then he'd be comfortable with seeing her as. Whether it had something to do with her medication or with her emotional state, he didn't know yet. The wave of fear that had come over him when the Chief had told him what had happened to her, was paralyzing._

_Just watching her look so small, and defenseless reminded him of the feelings that had taken over him that moment he'd realized how much she must have suffered the past three months. The thing that most people didn't understand...was that a rape victim and a victim of a fatal accident were both gone, forever. The difference was that the rape victim still had to go through the motions of being alive._

_It was crippling, the sensation was as if a huge hole had been punched through his chest - hit him out of nowhere, excising his most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, he knew his lungs had to still be intact, but as he gasped for air and his head spun like his efforts yielded him nothing. His heart must have been beating too, but he couldn't hear the sound of his pulse in his ears; his hands felt blue with cold. He curled inward, hugging his ribs to hold himself together. He scrambled for numbness, his denial, but it evaded him._

_He had to face what had happened._

_He'd let her down. He'd always told her he'd protect her, but the moment where she needed him the most, he wasn't there for her. And he wasn't going to do that again. No matter what anyone had said before, Callie warning him this was too much for him to take on. Teddy asking him why he would do this for her, they weren't even together anymore he wasn't obligated to it, he didn't owe her anything. Derek, telling him he wasn't the kind of guy someone could lean on the supportive, non-sexual way that she needed at this point. It was as if no one but Meredith had faith in him._

_Well no one but Meredith - and Lexie. The fact that she even listed him on the paperwork releasing her information to someone who wasn't family was shocking in it of itself. But to him? After the way things ended between them? He was blown away by it._

_He continued to make his way over to her, not wanting to scare her he walked forward towards her line of vision. He could see the minute the recognition hit her, that he was coming over to her. He thought about how strange he'd felt earlier, thinking they'd both just forgotten everything about each other, that he'd made a mistake coming here, when they both could be two completely different people. But this was scarier, to be suddenly connected, prompting a stream of memories rushing back too fast to stop. His legs suddenly moved themselves faster than he'd wanted, as he neared closer to her she threw her arms around his neck so tight, he was sure she was in as much shock at the overwhelming emotions that had taken over the atmosphere around them as he was._

_He closes his eyes, thinking that there is nothing, nothing like an embrace after an absence, nothing like fitting his face into the curve of her neck as he lifts her off her feet and fills his lungs with the scent that is made purely of her._

_"I can't believe you came," he hears her whisper into his ear as her arms stay glued around his neck, as if they were both afraid to let go, he tightens his arms around her waist._

_His eyes water as he feels his heart expand, in an effort to not burst into tears and try and contain some of his emotions, "I'm just sorry it took me so long," he says._

_As he pulls away and slowly puts her back down on her feet, she keeps her hand on his, as if holding on to him would keep him near._

_She shook her head, looking down and gave him a small laugh through the tears that had started watering her eyes, "You have nothing to be sorry about, I'm the one who should be apologizing," she looks up when he puts his hand on her chin and gently forces her to look up at him, "- Mark.. I am so sorr-"_

_"Don't," he says holding his hand up for her to stop, and holding her face near his, "You don't have anything to be sorry about. Don't apologize. You just - did what you had to do to survive. I get it," he says wiping her tears away that had fallen down her cheeks with his thumbs._

_The look of amazement and awe that came over her face was humbling - he was sure if he had been standing, he would have been weak in the knees, "You.. You understand?" she questions him, as if she needed reassurance._

_"I understand," he said with a tone of finality. He shifted in his seat as if he was holding something back, before looking up at her and taking her hand in his, she'd forgotten how well they it together. Like two pieces of a puzzle. "You know i'll always take care of you? Right? Whatever's happened.. .- Whatever might've been done, it doesn't matter to me. Nobody's gonna hurt you. Nobody gets to ask. I won't allow it. You're safe with me."_

_Looking over at him, at how determined his voice sounded through his tears, Lexie realized why Meredith had probably sent him instead of coming to get her herself. Mark needed this as much as she did. If anything she realized, he was probably somehow putting some of the blame on himself, like she had blamed herself in the beginning._

_"Mark this wasn't your fault," she starts as she puts her hand on his cheek, needing to always touch him to reassure herself that he was really there. As he leans his cheek into her hand, her heart feels as though some of the weight has been lifted. As if, just by being there, he had allowed her to start truly healing. "This wasn't anyone's fault, but the scum who did this. I'm not going to let him have control over my life. And you shouldn't let him have that power over yours."_

_She saw that he was still fighting some internal turmoil in his head, but had looked to have resigned to the battle, at least for now._

_He looked back at her, as if he was trying to memorize every part of her in front of him right now, afraid she'd just disappear into thin air. "Are you okay?" he asks, knowing they were finally talking about the root of why they were both at this facility at this particular moment in time._

_She was quiet, hesitant, unlike herself - until she shakily nodded her head, "Yes". And he said nothing, but ran his hands up her back, turned her face to him, pressing his nose against hers - looking softly, hardly breathing, understanding, not knowing, just comprehension, comprehension of what she needed. The hands that brushed her spine and the hair out of her face, the pressure of his body and just then, he was her support system - and he held her like he held the world._

_[end of flashback]_

"Okay, so - how have things been?" Michelle asks Mark, looking over at how they'd subconsciously scooted closer to each other on the couch.

"Pretty good," he smiles looking over at Lexie as she grins back at him. "There were some pretty difficult weeks, bumps along the way but I feel like she's made tremendous progress. We both have," he finishes, as Lexie nods in agreement.

"Good," Michelle responds and sits forward in her seat, "And you know why you're here, correct?"

"Yes," Mark responds, clearing his throat and taking his eyes off Lexie to focus on the therapist. "We're going to start weaning her off the anti-depressants."

"Correct."

Reaching over to grab a folder with pamphlets of information, Michelle hands it to them and motions for them to open it as she sits forward, closer to them. "Now, we'll be weaning her off every two weeks, with a new dosage. So hopefully, if all goes well, she'll be completely medicine free in three months time. Now, you're on three different pills, one for anti-anxiety, one as an anti-depressant, and another anti-depressant that helped with your manic episodes. We'll start with the weakest anti-depressant first, by cutting your two pills in half, for two weeks, and then when you come back in we'll re-evaluate how you've been. If things are still going smoothly, we'll continue on and eliminate that one all together. And we'll tackle the next medication at that point, and so, on and so forth. If at any point we have any concerns and feel as if we need more time, we'll stop, and extend the time frame. Which, there's nothing wrong with by the way. I'd rather you have more time, and be comfortable with everything than for us to rush through all this and have you regress."

Nodding in agreement, Lexie squeezes Mark's hand she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

"Any questions?" Michelle asks, leaning back, watching them both keep reading all the information she'd laid out in front of them.

"Okay."

_[Flashback: 4 months ago...]_

_"Please, I don't want you to think that I'm taking you for granted, because I'm so grateful for who you've been through all this, and that you're willing to let me stay with you and you're wanting to help me through this," Lexie says taking his hand as they sit on the bench again._

_She wasn't sure where the offer for her to stay with him had come from, guilt or a sense of obligation, or pressure from Michelle or himself, but she didn't want him to do anything he wasn't comfortable with. Even if she would feel safer with him. She didn't want to put his life on hold just because hers was._

_"There's no other way to be," he says, squeezing her hand in reassurance, "You've saved me so many times. I worry that I've been selfish with you, that I've taken advantage of your strength and broken you somehow."_

_"No, no, no - you haven't. You didn't." She says laying on his shoulder as they watch the sun set near the pond. "I just have this weight in my heart that, wasn't there before."_

_The silence between them was comfortable, and easy._

_Mark feels her gaze on him as he looks down, giving her a small kiss on the forehead._

_"Mark?"_

_He hears her whisper, and looks down at her again, "Yeah?"_

_"The weight? The one I was talking about?"_

_He nods for her to continue, she looks away for a second, as if she wasn't sure she wanted to let him in on what she was about to say, but at the last minute she looks back up at him and says, "It feels lighter when you're around."_

_Right then, he realizes that their connection never wavered. Even after all that time apart, he always thought that leaving something behind would erase it from his memory forever but it doesn't. If something touches a person that deeply, it never goes away without a fight._


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Sorry about the long wait between the last update and this one. I started classes, and then got hit with a summer cold (WTF?) then my 13 month old little guy got sick too. So that's taken up most of my time. Anyway, I appreciate my three loyal followers leaving their feedbacks: lumifan99, Kimmer86, SamanthaLeigh422, thank you very very very much for your comments! They are greatly appreciated :) And any new readers, please leave reviews if you like it. **

_**PS: The nightmare section of this chapter is actually true. I had that nightmare a few years ago and it freaked me out a lot, I wrote about it in my blog and the analysis was made by a good friend of mine so I didn't make that up. That part is legit. Just thought I'd give you guys that little tid bit of extra information.**_

**Thanks again. **

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><p><em>[3 months later...]<em>

"I sometimes just tell myself to be happy. But I don't feel happy. I don't even remember what being happy feels like, I don't feel joy. I don't feel inspired. I just feel - numb." Lexie says, looking up at her therapist, Michelle, while fiddling with her hands nervously.

"That's perfectly understandable, you've been through a lot in the last year," Michelle responded in support. "Have you thought about what you might want to do, as far as going back to medical school or pursue a different career path altogether? I think being cooped up the way you've been might be aiding in that isolated feeling that you've been having. It might do you some good to think about getting back out there, even if it's not back to the medical field."

Nodding in agreement, Lexie tries to think about other options she could have on the table other than finishing her residency. She never thought she'd be thinking of doing anything other than practicing medicine, now it felt as though she was starting over.

"Are you still having nightmares?" Michelle asks noticing the tired bags under her eyes.

"Not, nightmares, _per se_. Just-one nightmare. Continuously."

Nodding in understanding, "Tell me how it goes."

Shifting around in her seat for a few minutes Lexie finally looks up and starts talking.

"Well, I was at home - alone, and someone slipped a note under my front door and it said _"finally, i've got you all alone."_ And I got scared, I could feel this wave of fear come over me and I looked out the blinds from my kitchen to see if anyone was out in front of my house and I see this guy. I've never seen him before, and I don't even remember what he looked like exactly to be quite honest with you, but I remember the feeling of pure dread that I felt at that moment literally made my heart stop.

He was cleaning a gun in his car out in plain day view but no one was around. The streets were dead quiet. No one was supposed to be home for hours. I ran upstairs and realized that even if I locked myself in my room he could break down the door and then I'd be right where he wanted. I'm on the second floor so jumping out the window was out of the question. I saw him walking up to the front door of the house and opening it without a problem, and I jump on the piano and sneak up the hidden attic door that blends in with our ceiling, and I closed it just as he was walking up the stairs so he barely missed me by a millisecond. Meanwhile our house alarm is sounding off like there's no tomorrow, and he's walking around looking for me and I'm trying not to move or breathe in case he looks up and sees me.

The phone rings repeatedly, and I know that its the alarm company calling to make sure everything's alright, and if the person who answers the phone gets the password wrong they know to send the cops anyway, so he doesn't answer the phone, he just keeps looking for me. And I'm scared to death. And then I hear the cops come and he's trying to convince them that he lives here and that it's all a mistake, and they tell him they'll have to take him into custody anyway and that if he does live here then someone can go and bail him out and clear up this misunderstanding at the station.

I hear the cops walking around looking to see if there was anyone else in the house. And for some reason I couldn't get over my paralyzing fear enough to get out of the attic and tell them I was there. I didn't want him to know that I had been there at all. I didn't want to see him and I didn't want them to see me. And when I finally got down from there after everyone had left the house, I looked out the window and saw the officers putting him in the police car and as if he could sense my presence he looked up and he looked at me. Straight at me. His eyes were cold, and dead, and lifeless and he was just giving me a smirk like _'I'll get you next time'_ or _'we'll meet again'_ or something.

And then I woke up.

It was 4 am I was drenched in cold sweat all over my body and every time I closed my eyes for the next three hours all I could see was his eyes staring back at me and all I could feel was paralyzing fear."

"Sounds pretty frightening," Michelle says watching as Lexie's hands shake a little. "What do you usually do after you wake up from these?"

Lexie clears her throat, getting more and more uncomfortable by the minute. "I take a shower, make some tea, and try and find something to get my mind off of it."

"Like what?"

"Like, baking. Or watching infomercials. Or reading. Anything really."

"Why do you think you're having the nightmares? Do you feel safe at the moment?"

"I don't know. Sometimes. Not always."

A silence comes over the room as Lexie's admittance stays in the air.

"What do you think the nightmare means?" Lexie asks, looking up at Michelle questioningly. She'd come to really value Michelle's input lately, the woman seemed to really have a keen sense for her job and her ability to read what people were saying, and what they weren't saying.

"Well, I think the man resembles whatever you fear. The fact that you can't see what he looks like is important. It shows that it is not a certain person that you're afraid of, but that a person "hunting" you is a gerund for your fear in general. The fact that you can't hide in your room shows your nature - that you don't see the point in hiding from your fears. Being in the attic maybe shows that you're on top of things, since structurally speaking you are, but yet still scared that you're not in control of the situation. The cops not fully resolving the everything may show your lack of trust for others, possibly even authority. It may be that you only don't trust people with your problems. The ending, where he'll "be back" shows a possible conundrum when it comes to how you deal with problems. You can't hide from them, but you obviously can't run neither. Either way, you always end up facing them again."

"Wow. That's… amazing. How did? You just, analyzed that? Just like that?" Lexie sits up looking over at Michelle with astonishment in her voice.

"Well it's not a stretch for us to see how something out of your subconscious is trying to make it's way out. Even though they've "disproven" dreams, they still can tell a lot about a person. When we sleep, our cognitive processes are still working. If you notice, you never act much different consciously than you would in a dream."

Lexie nods in agreement, feeling as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Not sure if it came from sharing her dream or from Michelle's analysis of the whole scenario but a sense of comfort came along with the understanding that had been shared between them in that room.

"At the end of the day you just have to keep telling yourself, _'It's just a dream. I am safe. I am loved.'_ You say it enough times, your subconscious will start to pick up on it too."

Lexie lets out a deep breath she hadn't known she'd been holding in, giving Michelle a smile of unspoken thanks.

"That's all the time we have for today," Michelle says as she stands up and squeezes Lexie's shoulder in support. "You give some thought to what we talked about, and I'll see you in a few days."

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><p>Mark looks up as he sees Lexie leave Michelle's office, putting down the magazine he was entertaining himself with while she was in her appointment. He'd noticed she was more and more exhausted lately, he figured her nightmares were getting more frequent as they moved farther and farther along her timeline for removing her off the medications completely. She was almost off of all of them, in just two more months, the regimen would be complete.<p>

She had taken off better than either one had expected at first. She got more of a healthy appetite back, slowly gaining back the weight she had lost. She wasn't sleeping all the time, more on a regular schedule than before. She wasn't pale either, her face had gotten some of it's life and color back, something he was incredibly grateful for. Except for the her nightmares, he felt like he was slowly gaining his Lexie back. And their relationship was moving forward too.

They were domesticated. It was pretty amazing actually. At least Mark felt that it was. Even though she slept in the guest room still, they still did everything together. They ate breakfast together, went for runs and walks together, cooked dinner and ate together, went to the store. They had their routine down. Movie nights at the apartment, every once in a while if he could talk her into leaving the apartment, they'd get out of the house for a pseudo-date night. He never knew what it was like to be content in your life until now. And he was struck by the simple truth that sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary by simply doing them with the right people.

"How'd it go?" he asks, sticking to routine as they walk out to the car to make their way back to the city.

"Pretty good." she answers quietly, getting in the car and buckling herself up. "How are things at the hospital? Are you sure it's okay for you to keep taking me to these appointments?" she asks, looking up at him guiltily. She'd really started to feel as if she needed to start standing on her own two feet again, and not rely on Mark as much. She didn't want to hold his life back just because she was forced to hold hers.

"It's fine Lex," he says looking over and giving her a reassuring smile. "They know you come first to me."

The way he said it, with such a nonchalant yet determined tone made her remember just how much she loved this side of him. The one that made her feel safe, and wanted. As if he'd do anything to protect her.

"Is Arizona and Callie's wedding tonight?" Lexie asks, wanting to make sure she remembered correctly.

"Yeah, it starts at 6, so we have a few hours to relax and get ready and whatnot."

Nodding in agreement, Lexie sits back relaxes on the car ride back to the city.

For some reason, she had a feeling tonight was going to be a night to remember.

She just hadn't figured out if that was good or bad yet.

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><p>"Are you sure they invited me too?"<p>

Lexie asked as she walked out of her bedroom putting on her second earring as her eyes looked around the living room for where she set her shoes down at. "Because it's okay if they didn't Mark. You can go by yourself. Or take someone else with you. Really. I'll be fine..-"

"Lex, breathe -" Mark says as he walks up to her and puts his hands on her arms rubbing it lightly up and down. "I want you there. They want you there. Everyone knows we're coming. It'll be okay." The electricity that generated at that moment was instantaneous, and seemed to catch them both off guard and Mark stopped moving his hands watching as Lexie watched him curiously, he felt the hairs on her arm stand up and knew she'd felt the change in the atmosphere too.

They hadn't had much intimate contact the last few months, something Lexie had been talking to Michelle about a lot lately, but hadn't quite gotten the nerve to bring up to Mark. Their relationship, seemed to have developed into a deep, trustful, loving friendship with sexual tension popping up every once in a while, just enough to convince her that she wasn't crazy.

She wasn't sure if Mark was even interested in her anymore. It had been almost a year since everything had been destroyed between them, and while she knew he loved her and would do anything for her, he had proven that countless times the past year through her attack and her healing, she wasn't sure if she had enough self esteem to compete with the women that were trying to make themselves permanent fixtures in his life. She wasn't sure if she was a big enough person to let him go either.

Trying to break the tension that seemed to elevate by the second in the room, Mark takes a step back and puts his hands in his pocket of his Armani tux pants and lets out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. He couldn't place the emotions that had been going through Lexie's face those few minutes before, but she seemed to be pulling farther and farther away from him lately, something that was scaring him an awful lot.

"Mark?"

As if hearing her voice snapped him out of his daze, Mark looked up, and before his brain could realize what had come out of his mouth he said, "Do you want to go out with me?"

"What?"

Before he got the chance to start second guessing what he had just said, he decides to repeat it anyway.

"-.. Like, right now? Or.. - um..?"

"Never mind, just - forget I said anything," Mark says mumbling the last part of the sentence and taking a step back.

"Wait." Lexie says grabbing his arm to keep him close by. "I do. I want to go out with you. On a date. Now. Or you know - whenever. But preferably really soon," she says, rambling the last part of the sentence mostly to herself. She smiles when she sees his eyes light up and the corner of his mouth tilt up with a small smile he used to reserve just for the moments when she stuck her foot in her mouth. Like right now.

"Come here," he says as he grabs her hand, wraps their fingers together and tugs her closer to him. Leaving the last few steps up to her, she looks up at him feeling a flutter of excitement come over her as he wraps his arms around her and she feels him kiss her temple. Her heels had given her a better height advantage with him, something she loved at the moment because if she turned her head just slightly she'd be able to kiss him. Something she'd been wanting to do for a very long time. "We're quite a pair aren't we?" he says, chuckling.

Suddenly, as if the hilarity of the past five minutes hit her all at once, Lexie stepped back and let out a light, carefree laugh and shook her head imagining how silly they both must have looked. Like two lovestruck, awkward teenagers.

"You ready to go?" he asks, letting her go slowly and brushing her hair that had come loose from her face.

She looked up at him, could see him watching her with a small smile on his face. She felt a small flutter in her stomach, he looked so relaxed standing there it just made her all the more aware of her own body's reaction to him. Not realizing it, she bit her lip causing him to look down at her mouth and back up at her in surprise. Her hands went to his shoulders as his made way to her hips, the room was silent except for the sounds of their in and out breathing. She took a deep breath and looked up at him, and knew, that this was a step in the right direction for them. She saw the surprise leap in his eyes before she crashed her lips against his. She wasn't sure who moaned first, but as her hands made its way up to his hair, he pulled her body tighter against his. Her tongue traced his lips before diving inside, she felt her whole body tingle and warm up as he let her take the lead. She finally pulled back, and looked up to see his eyes clouded and his breathing deep and ragged. Blushing lightly, she looks down before feeling his fingers on her chin causing her to look back up, he kisses her softly, with enough gentleness to make her heart melt.

"Okay. Now I'm ready," she says, giving him a small smile.

"Okay," he responds with another grin, his voice a little hoarse.

They made their way to his car in comfortable silence, he slipped his hand in hers seeing her blush deeper in the bright night sky. He opened to door and let her in before running out front and getting in the driver's side. Not wanting to make her uncomfortable, he settled his arm on the middle console as they drove off to Callie and Arizona's wedding.

A few minutes later, he feels her hand slide into his and she squeezes his hand in quiet understanding.

* * *

><p>The tent where the reception and wedding was taking place was breathtaking as they drove up to the place where the wedding was supposed to be happening. Lexie had always thought she'd want to be married in a church, but seeing all the twinkling lights of the stars mixed in with the lights that were put up as part of the decor around the outdoors, she felt a whole other level of intimacy with this kind of ceremony. The slight breeze that came from the ocean nearby gave her goosebumps, so she kept her shawl a little tighter and closer to her body as she slid her hand around Mark's and they made their way past other guests arriving for the wedding.<p>

"This is beautiful."

Squeezing her hand lightly in agreement, Mark puts his hand on the small of her back leading her towards their seats next to Derek and Meredith, whose protruding belly made her look radiant in Lexie's eyes.

"Hey guys," Lexie says, watching as they both look over at her and Mark in surprise. She hadn't seen much of everyone outside of either her and Mark's place, or Derek and Meredith's place, so for her to be out and about with this many people around was pretty big progress she felt she'd made. "You look beautiful Mer," Lexie says as Meredith stands up to give her a hug. They'd grown a lot closer since Lexie's trauma almost a year ago, Meredith took on the mother hen role and made sure she was an avid, everyday part of Lexie's recovery and her life.

"Thank you," Meredith says squeezing her tightly, as if she couldn't believe Lexie was there. "So do you," she whispers the last part as she pulls away trying to wipe away the tears that had started to form in her eyes.

"Aww, Mer, pregnancy and wifehood has really made you a softie hasn't it?" Lexie asks giving her a big grin. She was so proud of how far Meredith had come in regards to her relationship with Derek and allowing herself to feel loved and be happy. Her protruding belly made her look softer, as her empire waisted dress emphasized the fact her niece would be arriving in just four months.

"You have no idea," Derek responds with a small chuckle, ducking his wife's hand that came to smack him behind the head.

"Be nice Derek." Meredith scolds. "Oh lord, I'm starting to sound like a mother already…" she mumbles to herself as she sits back down letting Derek greet Mark and Lexie out of her way.

He then shakes Mark's hand and gives Lexie a kiss on the cheek in greeting.

"Pretty full tonight, huh?" Mark asks, looking around at the seats that were all taken mostly by their co-workers. It seemed as if the whole hospital was here.

"Yeah well, you know Robbins, the girl's too nice for her own good. She probably invited everyone," Derek says spotting the minister start to make his way up to the front, indicating the ceremony was about to begin.

As everyone quieted down and watched the ceremony begin to take place, everything moving beautifully and smoothly, Lexie felt as if she was watching a real life fairytale take place in front of her. The bridesmaids wore short and flowing, spaghetti strapped dark blue colored dresses, giving them a glow in the night sky. There were no groomsmen, something Lexie thought fitting for the ceremony taking place. Finally, Callie was escorted down the aisle by her father who had finally come around to accepting her relationship with Arizona a few months back. She was wearing a halter style white wedding dress, with a small train. And soon after, Arizona was escorted by her own father, as she wore a white wedding dress as well, keeping it low key with a body hugging lace, cap sleeve gown.

The farther and farther the ceremony got along, the closer she felt with Mark, as they held hands and his arm around her chair, she leaned comfortably back and felt his body heat radiating on her from behind.

Feeling Mark fidget around some more behind her, she turned around slightly "Are you okay? I'm not making you uncomfortable am I?"

"No, no you're fine-" Mark says pulling her closer to him again and giving her a reassuring smile before whispering, "Get back here."

She lets out a small laugh and gives him a peck on the cheek, before turning back around as if she was no longer concerned about whatever was bothering him. Mark tried to keep his fidgeting down to a minimum, but it was extremely hard to focus on what was going on in front of him when all he could think of was how amazing Lexie smelled. How beautiful she looked glowing in the brightness of the night sky. How well she fit into him, as if they were made for each other. How much progress they had made in the last year. Especially in the last twelve hours.

And how each and every single day that went by, that little black box in his inner coat pocket that Lexie happened to be leaning on, burned more and more of a hole in his heart.

He didn't want to scare her by moving too fast. That's what had bitten them in the ass last time. Lexie had said they were both a different points in their lives, but what she didn't understand was that he was willing to wait forever for her. He was willing to wait for her to get to the same point that he was, because there wasn't anyone else he'd rather share his life with. With or without kids.

Maybe that's what it all comes down to, he'd realized. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Sorry about taking FOREVER to update. I know it always annoys me when writers do that, but I seriously wrote this chapter five different times, and came out with five different outcomes. I'm still not happy with how it turned out, I wanted to write something about their first time being together sexually after this kind of tragedy they went through together, which is something I'm still working on, I might write it in as a flashback since it's kind of ongoing right now, so for this chapter it's a good assumption that they've already been intimate since the last chapter and now. There's only a few chapters left so, please please please comment. **

**Thank you for my loyal fans. You're the main reason I didn't just abandon the story altogether.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 5:<strong>

[4 months later]

Mark walked into his apartment, noticing the mess in the kitchen he smiled as he heard a sound dear to his heart. _Lexie laughing. _

Lexie turned around as she felt Mark's presence in the room, flashing a bright smile in his direction she felt her heart flutter as he greeted her and Arizona, his eyes lingering on her.

"I think that's my cue to go. Callie's probably wondering where I am," Arizona responded smiling at the change in the atmosphere of the room as soon as Mark walked in. She hoped Little Grey would take her advice and talked honestly with Mark about some of the things they discussed. She knew it would mean they would make great strides in their relationship.

"Okay," Lexie stands up to hug Arizona goodbye and walk her to the door. "Thanks for hanging out with me today."

"No thanks needed. I had fun. We definitely will be doing this again in the future."

Feeling better already at the fact that Arizona wanted to hang out with her Lexie shut the door behind her before heading back to the living room, watching as Mark took his shoes off and leaned his head back on the couch in what looked like exhaustion. Sitting beside him, laying her head under his arm she feels him start to play with the ends of her hair.

"You guys look like you had fun today," she hears Mark's deep voice start to speak, breaking the light silence that had overtaken the room.

"Yeah, we did" she agreed, smiling at the thought that Arizona was one of the few people who could understand where she was coming from at the moment. She wondered if Mark knew the extent of the relationship between his best friend Callie and her wife, and how much they had in common with the two of them. But it wasn't her place to say anything. For now, she just wanted to talk to him about the two of them. She'd been wanting to do this for a while since they'd decided to start dating again right after Callie's and Arizona's wedding she felt as though they were both holding back, and she wanted all their cards out on the table this time around.

No surprises. No jumping around important issues leading to huge arguments that could have easily been avoided. They'd been working so well as a team so far, she knew – now more than ever that Mark was the man for her. They'd been through hell and back together. The rest is just up from where they'd been.

Pulling back a little from his embrace, she notices a look of content that had taken over him.

"Mark?"

"_Yeah Lex?_" he answers, still relaxing – his head had yet to turn her way and his eyes were still comfortably closed.

"I don't want to be a surgeon anymore."

Sitting up, his attention immediately peaked as he looked over at her. He definitely was not expecting those words to come out of her mouth.

Before he has a chance to ask her why, she puts her finger on his lips as a sign of silence. "Let me finish."

Nodding, he watches as she exhales and sits back, gathering up the nerve to finish speaking. He squeezes her hand supporting her, giving her the push she needed to keep going.

"If you had asked me two years ago what I wanted from my life and my future, surgery was definitely the most important thing in my life. The emotional rush and thrill I got from being in that operating room – was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. But – the best part of it all was the end, when the patient woke up – and realized that we fixed them. I fixed whatever was hurting them. And all the long hours, lack of sleep, lack of a social life, lack of a family – it all was something I had no problem giving up as long as I still had that scalpel in my hand and I still had the ability to perform surgery."

He nodded in understanding, watching as her eyes started watering and she wringed her hands together in a nervous habit.

"But you know, when I was attacked, that night I was lying there for a while before I finally passed out – all I could think about was all the things I missed out in my life, the things I didn't get to do or say."

Tears were actively falling down her face now, his face – began crumbling as he tried to imagine everything she'd been through, everything they'd survived. He knew exactly how close he came to losing her. It was something he would never forget. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't escape the feeling he got every time he noticed her scars. He almost lost her.

"I realized I was living for my job, not living my life and I didn't know if I would ever get a chance to fix it."

Unable to hold himself back, Mark pulls her into a hug as his own tears start stinging his eyes. Lexie pulls back, letting him keep one arm around her, she wipes some of her tears off her face before leaning her forehead against Mark's, kissing him lightly as she tasted the mixture of their salty tears, making her heart start throbbing.

"What do you want then Lex? We can do whatever you want, as long as you're happy, that's all that matters to me.."

Her eyes lit up with such joy after his last statement, that it literally took his breath away. He felt like day by day, he was getting his Lexie back.

"I want to help people. Doctors without Borders kind of thing. And then I want to start my own free clinic, getting other doctors to volunteer their time and services on a weekly or monthly basis. Be on call kind of thing like they do for the hospital."

His smile widened as he heard her.

"That sounds amazing, baby. If anyone can do it, it's you."

Her smile brightened as she sighed in relief.

"That's not all Mark."

"It's not?" His head tilted slightly as he waited for her to finish.

"No. It's not."

He gave her a look of confusion as she stood up and rummaged through her purse before pulling out a journal of hers. He'd known Michelle encouraged Lexie to write down her emotions in order to better deal with everything that had happened, and help them to work through things in their therapy sessions but he'd never seen this notebook before. It wasn't something he figured she wanted him to look at, she shared the things with him in her own time that she felt comfortable with and he wasn't going to push her otherwise.

So when she opened it up to a specific page and handed it to him, to say he was shocked would be an understatement. He looked back up at her to make sure she was okay with it, encouraged by the nod and smile she gave him as she nudged the notebook closer to him.

"Read it," she said, her eyes displaying a smidge of nervousness amidst her excitement.

He cleared his throat, trying to keep his emotions under control as he read out loud what she'd handed to him.

"Take sushi making classes. _Eat pasta in Italy_. Spend New Year's Eve in New York close to the ball drop. Find a four leaf clover. _Make my own wine_…-"

Looking up at Lexie, Mark gives her a smile . "Baby is this your bucket list?"

Nodding in agreement, Lexie gives him a nervous smile as her eyes start watering, "Keep reading Mark."

"Okay. Um… pay off a total stranger's balance on a Christmas layaway store. _Learn another language fluently._ Design my own dream home…-" his breath hitches as he looks back up at her before reading the next one, "**Marry Mark**… Adopt a child. _Have my own children with Mark_…-" a tear falls from his eye, blurring the page in front of him as he felt his heart flutter in excitement.

"_Lexie…_" he whispers looking up and seeing tears running down her face as she looks at him.

"I love you Mark. I _never _stopped loving you," her voice breaks slightly as she feels all the nervousness she'd been holding back come back and hit her full frontal. "_I know_ I'm a mess, and I don't have a job – I have less than a few thousand dollars to my name, I'm up to my ass in debt from medical school, and I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I was raped. I'm taking things from day to day. So I know_.. I know_..- that… I don't have much to give you – but I want you with me. _Forever_—"

Grabbing her face as his thumbs wipe away her tears, his voice was shaky and hoarse with emotion. "Baby, I don't care if you have a penny to your name. I don't care that you don't have a job. You're not a mess - I see you, and I see a strong, resilient woman who knocks me off my ass with how far she's come in the last year and a half. I see someone with such a strong and loving spirit. You constantly see the best in people, despite being shown the worst of humanity."

Glancing down at their entwined fingers, his thumbed caressed the top of her hand.

"You're a good man Marcus Sloan," Lexie whispered as she kissed him again, before pulling back lightly to look straight in his eyes, their noses still grazing as their faces stayed near each other. "And you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

His eyes closed as he let out a breath.

"I've never been anyone's best thing before."

Humbled. She humbled him. She could hear it in his voice, feel it in her heart as he tightened his arms around her.

The air around them electrified as she watched him pull back from her and scramble around the drawer in front of the coffee table in front of them and pull out a small black velvet box, making her breath catch in her throat and her eyes water as she realized the implications of what he'd just done.

He'd had a ring picked out already. He was already going to propose to her. He wanted to marry her.

"I guess now would be a good time to ask you if you wanted to make it—you know,.. permanent?"

She felt her heart slamming as she watched him open the box, the ring glittering between them causing a wave of warmth to rush through her. She threw her arms around him as she started laughing in excitement, pulling back to shower kisses over his face as she repeated "yes. _yes_. yes_. yes_." between her kisses.

As their laughter and kisses got louder and longer they realized they were having one of those uncommon moments. Those times when you don't wish for something else. For even one thing to be different.

When there are no other needs and no other worries. Where your insides are calm. And everything you were ever restless about, anything that had ever given you angst is quieted to stillness.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: I have been so royally pissed off because of the season finale, that I seriously lost all my Lexie/Mark mojo I had going with my stories. I have been have a ridiculously hard time not just giving up on their pairing altogether. So I apologize for how long it's been since I've updated any of my Grey's stories. I'm just, losing my inspiration. **

_**THIS CHAPTER HAS "M"-RATED SCENE. DO NOT PROCEED IF IT WILL OFFEND YOU.**_

**Thank you for my loyal fans who have commented, alerted, and favorited this story. You're the main reason I didn't just abandon the story altogether.**

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><p>Chapter 6:<p>

"Remind me again, how I let them talk us into this?"

Hearing her whine over the phone about how much she missed him just made his heart feel lighter than air. She always made him feel like that. She looked at him like he held her world in his hands.

"You can't say no to Meredith, baby. You've never been able to say no to her."

Mark responds smiling brightly, hearing her sigh in agreement on the other side.

"I miss you too, you know."

He doesn't know how, but he can sense her perking up at his declaration over the phone. Ever since the trauma they went through together, he made sure to tell her – several times a day, how much she meant to him. And every time he did, he remembered why it was worth it – because she would brighten up and give him a smile so gentle and coy, that his insides would turn to mush all over again.

He had swiped the phone after Derek and the guys passed out drunk in front of the trailer in his bachelor party, which involved them getting drunk out in the woods and going hunting and fishing. Something that he just did not do. At all. For anyone. _Except Derek_. So, he figures both him and Lexie are suckers for the Shepherds.

"Keep talking to me Mark. I can't fall asleep without you."

He hears her whisper over the phone, the rustling on the other end signaling to him that she's getting herself comfortable on the other side. He heads inside and lies down in a single cot, the bed logically was only big enough for him – it was only a single after all. But for some reason, it still felt too large, because she wasn't there. They hadn't been apart in so long, and he hoped this was the last time he'd have to make do without her.

"What do you want to talk about?"

He asks, turning over on his side with the phone tucked under his cheek as he imagines her lying beside him.

"I don't know. Entertain me husband."

His smile widens as he hears her term of endearment. He didn't think he would ever get tired of hearing her call him that.

"You know, we could have just told them we already got married that way we wouldn't have to go through all this," Mark whispers hearing her gasp on the other side of the phone before scolding him.

"Mark! Don't say that out loud someone could hear you!"

He chuckles at how freaked out she sounds scolding him for mentioning it.

"You're adorable, Lex."

"And you're biased Mark."

Their banter was comfortable. He could have sworn he could feel her blushing over the phone. She never did take compliments well.

* * *

><p><em>[flashback]:<em>

She hadn't gotten her confidence back when it came to initiating intimacy between them yet. The scars bothered her more than him. He told her they didn't matter to him. He didn't even see them most of the time, and even when he did – all it did was make his eyes water – hitting him with the fact that he came desperately close to losing her. So no - the scars didn't bother him. He'd take her being alive with scars than her dead with no scars, any day.

She started out with small steps.

Her hands would wander quietly up and down his chest, drawing mindlessly for a while before she got the courage to go low enough to wake him. Sometimes, he'd intervene and kiss her – distracting her from her nervousness to the point where her body would take over for her. _And she wouldn't have a chance to be nervous._ Her hands would push his hips close enough to her center that everything else would just be second nature after that.

This time though, this time it was more familiar than before.

This time it was like everything between them was a memorable dance that they had performed countless times.

There wasn't any need for rediscovery, or careful considerations between one another.

She pushed him down on the bed, either ignoring his look of surprise or not realizing he was too stunned to do anything but sit there and let her undress him. He could feel his heart beating so loud and so fast, he wasn't sure he could handle letting her take her time rediscovering him.

But he does.

He sits there while her fingertips trail his arms, watching in a daze as she gives him such a coy but happy smile that it literally takes his breath away.

"Did you know that I love your arms?"

She whispers as she moves to straddle him and his arms automatically make their way behind her, to hold her up – and give him something to anchor himself to. He isn't quite sure he's not dreaming right now.

"They make me feel so safe. So _cherished_."

He can feel his emotions lodge in his throat as he watches her look up at him, as if she was looking straight through him. Once she leans down and softly connects her lips to his, he can feel the electricity that always flows between them. He knows it's different this time though. The pressure she's putting against his mouth, the way her tongue is tracing his bottom lip – seeking entrance he would never deny her – this time is different because he knows they're not stopping this time. Instead of feeling fear, as he thought he would… he feels... calm. It was all leading up to this one point. All the fooling around in the world was nothing compared to the intimacy and trust you felt with someone when you were inside of them.

"Are you sure?"

He whispers those words, because he needed to. He needed her to know that he wasn't expecting anything from her. Their relationship may have started off with meaningless sex – but they both knew it was anything but meaningless this time around. This time, the history between them made it all the more intimate.

"I feel safe around you Mark. I'm sure."

She whispers back, watching as he closes his eyes and releases a breath she hadn't known he was holding. Her heart clenched at the concern she heard in his voice. Her hand rubbed his day old stubble lovingly as he leaned against her seeking some comfort in her words and intimate actions.

Normally, she put up her defenses when she felt the least bit vulnerable. But he was and always would be the only exception. He had always gotten through her walls and barriers with absolutely no effort at all.

When she realized that she was going to have to be the one initiating the most important steps tonight, she pushed back any thoughts of self-doubt and reached for the bottom of her shirt, throwing it somewhere across the room. The look in his eyes made her forget to think.

Everything was all instincts now.

It was as if they were rediscovering each other. Only this time, there was a familiarity to their motions.

She bent over him, so close that the heats of their breaths were mixing – intensifying the mood of the room. Instead of pressing her lips to his, as she was sure he expected, she leaned further over and brushed her lips on his neck.

The loud groan he released caused her to kiss her way up his neck, when their lips finally met and began to move against each other, there was tenderness to their touches. Their hands, sliding over each other's bodies made her senseless. His touch was electrifying.

Stroking.

Caressing.

Soothing.

Pushing him back on the bed and reaching for his shirt, she undresses him quickly – leaving them both aware of the fact only their underwear was separating them now. Before giving him a chance to think too much about it, she grabs his face – kissing him strongly this time, no hesitation was left as her tongue pushes into his mouth. His fingers are holding on to her hips – so tightly- she's sure he's leaving marks on her.

Her lips leave his, but quickly attach to his body as she kisses her way slowly and leisurely down his body. Every time her mouth touches his skin, she can see and feel his stomach clench in anticipation of the direction she's heading.

"Lex.."

She hears the slight fear and anticipation in his voice as his dry throat tries to speak her name.

"Shut up Mark."

She responds, looking up with a combination of a smile and smirk that she knows she hasn't used with him in forever As soon as her lips attach to his member, he lets out a large moan making her think he might come right then and there, in her mouth.

"Oh god…"

Her hands join her mouth as she strokes him and lets her tongue taste his precum that's already made its way through his slit. It had been so long for the both of them, she was aware of that, not wanting it to be over before she has a chance to do this properly, she takes her mouth off of him squealing in surprise when he sits up and aggressively grabs her and pulls her up to him. He took over the reins for a minute, kissing all the oxygen out of her lungs making her feel lightheaded, dizzy and deliriously hot.

When they finally pull away from each other, they're breathing is labored and she feels his hands holding on to the side of her panties, debating whether or not to pull them down fully. So she puts her hands on top of his and helps him slide it down to her knees before she kicks it off leaving them bare, their scorching skins against each other.

"I want to be close to you," Lexie whispers as she watches his eyes widen in understanding.

Sitting up on the bed Mark pulls her onto his lap, letting her wrap her arms and legs around him – choosing probably the most intimate position he could think of to make sure there wasn't a part of them that wasn't touching each other.

As their eyes hit each other in support, he kisses her sweetly and slowly before pulling back and keeping his arms around her.

"You set the pace baby," he says to her, watching as a small blush makes way onto her cheeks and she nods, showing that she heard him.

She lifts herself up, one hand on his shoulder and another made its way down to his cock. As she positions him on her entrance she looks up at him, their eyes don't leave each other as she slides down slowly – the tightness she had as a result of all this time making them both shiver at how good it felt.

"_Oh my god_, _Mark,_" The remark came out as a mixture of a moan and gasp.

He groans back in agreement. "I know, baby."

He can feel every single flutter around his dick. He was sure at the rate he was swelling up inside her, this first time wasn't going to last very long. As he feels her start to lift herself up slowly and come back down on him, a shiver of pleasure comes over him. He can tell by her deliberate, cautious actions she's reacquainting them with each other. _How did they go this long without this?_ It felt so right. Just like always.

Her moans and short pants – and their slicked skin were making his senses go on overdrive.

"Lex, oh god, I'm –"

He tries to let her know it's been too long for him.

This feels too good.

He isn't going to last if she keeps fluttering around him.

"Mark!" she screams when she feels his fingers make his way down to where they were joined, and start getting her off while she was slamming down on him.

He knows she's close when he hears her whimper and her head fall back in the midst of her moans. When she loses her breath, everything fades and it's as if fireworks had gone off in her head. The burst of white behind her eyes, the flash of heat that comes over her entire body leaving her with goosebumps, Mark muttering her name over, and over in her ear as he comes inside her…

He wraps his arms around her, keeping her close feeling her wrap her arms tightly around him as he slips out of her because of the slickness.

"I love you Mark…"

He hears her whisper in his ear, making him feel like he lost his breath again.

"I love you too Lex."

_[/end of flashback]_

* * *

><p>He heard her deep, smooth breathing on the other end of the phone signaling that she'd fallen asleep on him. He was glad. She needed some rest to be able to deal with all the girls in the morning.<p>

All he had to do was get in his tux and make sure Derek didn't lose the ring.

"Good night, Lex." He whispers, chuckling as he hears her murmur something unintelligible back to him. He hangs up the phone, and looks up to see Derek standing in front of the door of the trailer, watching him.

"You guys are good together, Mark."

Smiling at his statement, Mark nods in understanding. Derek wasn't there biggest supporter at first. But he had come a long way, even acting as somewhat of a surrogate brother for Lexie.

"The two of you...there's something uncanny about the way you are with each other. I mean everything. The way you look at each other, the way she relaxes when you put your hand on her back, the way you both seem to know what the other is always thinking, it's always struck me as extraordinary."

"She's the best part of me."

That statement took Derek by surprise. But, the more he thought about it the more it made sense. Lexie always saw the best in Mark, and in turn - brought out the best in him, even against what everyone was telling her. They were each other's better half. They'd been through a lot together and came out better, and stronger in the end.

Their upcoming nuptials, like their love for each other, had the potential to be_ endless._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Um. I apologize if that intimate scene came out differently than you guys expected. I have never written a Mature scene after such a traumatizing experience that they went through and I hope I did it justice. Please leave a comment if you read it! There's only 2 chapters left :)<strong>


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